Give Moms a Compliment, not Advice

A friend of a friend wrote

It never ceases to amaze me how many ideas people have of the different ways you can ruin a baby (holding too much, too little, sleeping with them, not sleeping with them, feeding too much, too little and on and on). It is amazing anyone makes it to adulthood or any sort of happiness the way people boss you around about mothering.

Yes, this really is amazing and is one of my pet peeves. It seems to be a universal phenomenon. Maybe it's an imperative built into societies to help babies survive ... an innate urge to save the baby from peril. Now, Barb has taken care of 21 babies in 22 years and has six grandchildren. In Nigeria, her age and experience usually count for a lot as far as respect goes. Yet, total strangers will accost her in the market or on the street, and tell her, even scoldingly sometimes, "that baby needs a hat," or blanket, "she is too cold!" This may be on a sweltering day when what the baby really needs is just a diaper, but Barb is not about to go that far. (One of the most common newborn problems I would see in the clinic was heat rash; somehow the even fact that the baby is sweating profusely doesn't prompt moms to remove one of the four or five layers of clothing.) Anyway, I digress. The point is not whether a given practice is good, but why people (ok, is it everyone or mostly women?) feel compelled to boss mothers around with dire warnings of danger to their babies. I suppose in a traditional culture like Nigeria, people want to enforce the norms. In the US, it seems to be the new, the different, and anti-authoritarian that is promoted. I mean, who is going to write a best-seller or be invited to a talk show giving the dull, orthodox advice, "Don't worry, you're baby is going to be fine as long as you love her and trust your instincts and your pediatrician (or family doctor)?" Actually, that advice may now be bizarre and radical enough to get you onto a talk show. As a father and pediatrician, my advice to my own daughters now raising families was not to read so many books about how to raise children, since many are contradictory, based totally on personal opinion and anecdote, and generate anxiety rather than knowledge. I'm sure there are still some good books that provide a lot of helpful information without being ridiculously dogmatic ... I just don't know what they are since I've been away from American pediatrics for 20 years. If you're a grandparent-to-be, you might look for one such book and give it to your daughter or daughter-in-law, but don't flood her with books on the latest fads and controversies. Everyone else should just give new moms a break and a compliment!